Handsy MacShane's Scottish Massage Parlor

Looking to relax? Need to rejuvinate? Handsy MacShane is a professional, experienced massage therapist waiting to serve you in a clean, luxurious spa environment.

Your busy, stressful, day-to-day life takes a toll on your mind, spirit, and body that you can't always see, but the danger builds up under the surface like oatmeal and congealed liver fats stewing inside a boiling haggis, until one day, it bursts through the surface and pretty much ruins your whole breakfast. Handsy MacShane offers a wide range of services and expertise that will provide all of your physical and mental needs. Each program is taiolred by Handsy to the specific needs of each client. Come by our office. We'd love to meet you and select a complete regiment of services for you as part of a free consultaion.

Come experience the relaxing sounds and smells of the Scottish highlands without even leaving town. Our services include...

Scottish Massage

Also known as "The Ol' Get Tae an Bile Yer Heid." This is the ninteeth most common type of massage therapy in the United States. It consists of long smooth strokes, kneading, and circular movements on superficial layers of muscle using a rock or a large sitck combined with Handsy's patented massage lotion made from sheep urine and Tennent's Lager.

Deep Tissue

Referred to as the "Sair Ficht for Half a Loaf," this massage targets the deeper layers of muscle and connective tissue through slower strokes or friction techniques across the muscle's grain, usually with a pine log or small caber.

Hot Stone

Our "Driech Day and Yer Up Tae High Doh" special. We can't discuss all of Handsy's secrets here, but let's just say it involves glowing red hot charcoals combined with any of our other massages, plus a wee dram o' the good stuff to take the sting out afterwards. If you have chronic muscle pain, we guarantee you won't notice it anymore ... once the scabs heal.


"Whas da Boggin' Oder?!" That ponce Tolin's got nuthin' on us with his fey candles and shite! Aromatherapy combines any of our massages with our patented blend of Scottish scents and sounds specifically selected to your specific needs. Looking to relax? Try loch water, dead sea trout, and the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards rendition of "Farewell to Tarwathie." Want to get fired up and energized for the big presentation tomorrow? We recommend a Macallan spritz with a mouldy pete mask as the Greater Glasgow Police Scotland Pipe Band playing AWB's "Pick up the Pieces." Want to focus your chi and center your spiritual energies? You just can't beat a big ol' pile of hairy coo shite under yer hooter as Angus MacColl serenades you with a soothing rendidtion of "The Nut Brown Maiden." Basically, whatever your mood. We've got ya covered.

But it's nae just these! We also offer an extensive list of over 200 specialty services to fit your needs including part waxin', beard trimmin' and braidin', foot peelin', tongue scrapin', and more. Just come on down and let us put together a custom tailored regiment just for you.

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